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God, These People! February 18, 2009

Posted by rscottgriffin in Uncategorized.

A coworker of mine sent THIS over to me today.  His comment was that it was “the best unintentional satire” ever.  I would say that is a pretty good summation, but it goes so much deeper than that.  I cannot truly determine who is the bigger douchebag, the writer or the subject.  Let’s do a quick analysis, shall we?

First, we know the “talented,” glorified party bitch, Mr. Rohr, wears Hugo Boss.  Yeah, so do a lot of men that I know.  He makes good stuff that is not completely stale and boring, so you don’t go to work feeling like you dress like your dad.  However, add that to “Porsche-driving,” and these are the first two items of descriptive text that the writer uses to identify this man.  Oh, he is 6’5″, for whatever that’s worth, and that he’s “ruggedly handsome.”  That usually means the guy doesn’t moisturize.  Let’s also consider that Mr. Rohr likely approved this text.  Therefore, it is a safe assumption that he finds these, in some warped sense, personality attributes.

We next learn that while planning Inauguration parties at his last job in DC, he kayaked the Patomac.  Um, has the writer, Mr. Bonvissuto, seen the Patomac River?  It is not especially wide, or rough, at least not where the highways cross the river from Virginia into the District of Columbia. My friend Michelle canoed on it, once.  To give him some credit, I performed a quick search on the Interwebs to determine if there are, indeed, white water rapids on the Patomac.  I found THIS. So, basically you can rent an inflatable boat and take to the rapids, even if you’ve never sat in a kayak before. I don’t take it to mean that Mr. Rohr is trying out for the U.S. Olympic team any time soon.

So, now we get to Mr. Rohr’s current engagement as the party bitch for the St. Regis, where he “has been skipping across the top of the city’s social scene like a wellpolished[sic] pebble.”  The last time I checked, “well” and “polished” were two, separate words, as I have illustrated, here.  Maybe a hyphen, there?  He’s popular with rich people because he works at a fancy hotel!  I’m shocked.

Let’s get real, though – at least that’s where Mr. Bonvissuto take us next.  Mr. Rohr likes to lounge around his house smoking a cigar (rebellious!), watching independent films, or READING (give me a Tolstoy or Dickens if you want me to be impressed, or even John Irving, for God’s sake), and listening to that indie, angst-filled (see the use of the hypen?) band that personifies “real” like no other – Coldplay.  But, Mr. Rohr would like to be “really wild” and throw on jeans and a t-shirt (because how many men that you know qualify as a ‘jeans and a t-shirt’ kind of guy???  Can you think of any???  I mean, isn’t that so WILD?) and ride a motorcycle all day.  Take a drive up to the North Georgia mountains, and you will see people riding motorcycles for multiple days – middle aged and young and everyone in between.  In this day of pink Harleys, nothing says “wild” like a motorcycle, no ma’am.  But, he just hasn’t made good on his “threat” to buy one, because that would certainly be earth-shattering.

I think what is most troubling about this personality profile, or whatever it is, is that it is meant to be taken seriously by those that would find Mr. Rohr’s sort an appealing party planner for their “upscale” wedding or other “special” event – because the St. Regis is not for just ANY event.  He’s been in a magazine!  He drives a Porsche!  Having a motorcycle is “wild” and different!  Wow.  Seriously?  Come on, people, please, for the love of God, get a damn life.  Get some depth greater than half a thimble.  Find something in your life that is not such a damn contrivance!

But, the best part of this all, I’m saving for the end.  My friend Michelle did a quick bit of Interwebs research, herself, and located THIS.  So, I leave it with you as a parting gift, that Mr. Rohr’s persona as a “I really don’t care that much about this stuff” is all basically a construct, and it only demonstrates that he earnestly does.  What would he be without it?



1. Kristy - February 25, 2009

Scott! This is hysterical. I especially appreciate the post b/c I just sent the article to a friend who is applying for a job at the St. Reg. Ever since I read this issue of Atlanta Magazine, I couldn’t stop thinking about the article and Atlanta’s new playboy (allegedly). I now know why. Thanks for calling out Mr. Rohr (hear me roar, my ass) and the shoddy journalist.

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