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God, These People! February 18, 2009

Posted by rscottgriffin in Uncategorized.
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A coworker of mine sent THIS over to me today.  His comment was that it was “the best unintentional satire” ever.  I would say that is a pretty good summation, but it goes so much deeper than that.  I cannot truly determine who is the bigger douchebag, the writer or the subject.  Let’s do a quick analysis, shall we?

First, we know the “talented,” glorified party bitch, Mr. Rohr, wears Hugo Boss.  Yeah, so do a lot of men that I know.  He makes good stuff that is not completely stale and boring, so you don’t go to work feeling like you dress like your dad.  However, add that to “Porsche-driving,” and these are the first two items of descriptive text that the writer uses to identify this man.  Oh, he is 6’5″, for whatever that’s worth, and that he’s “ruggedly handsome.”  That usually means the guy doesn’t moisturize.  Let’s also consider that Mr. Rohr likely approved this text.  Therefore, it is a safe assumption that he finds these, in some warped sense, personality attributes.

We next learn that while planning Inauguration parties at his last job in DC, he kayaked the Patomac.  Um, has the writer, Mr. Bonvissuto, seen the Patomac River?  It is not especially wide, or rough, at least not where the highways cross the river from Virginia into the District of Columbia. My friend Michelle canoed on it, once.  To give him some credit, I performed a quick search on the Interwebs to determine if there are, indeed, white water rapids on the Patomac.  I found THIS. So, basically you can rent an inflatable boat and take to the rapids, even if you’ve never sat in a kayak before. I don’t take it to mean that Mr. Rohr is trying out for the U.S. Olympic team any time soon.

So, now we get to Mr. Rohr’s current engagement as the party bitch for the St. Regis, where he “has been skipping across the top of the city’s social scene like a wellpolished[sic] pebble.”  The last time I checked, “well” and “polished” were two, separate words, as I have illustrated, here.  Maybe a hyphen, there?  He’s popular with rich people because he works at a fancy hotel!  I’m shocked.

Let’s get real, though – at least that’s where Mr. Bonvissuto take us next.  Mr. Rohr likes to lounge around his house smoking a cigar (rebellious!), watching independent films, or READING (give me a Tolstoy or Dickens if you want me to be impressed, or even John Irving, for God’s sake), and listening to that indie, angst-filled (see the use of the hypen?) band that personifies “real” like no other – Coldplay.  But, Mr. Rohr would like to be “really wild” and throw on jeans and a t-shirt (because how many men that you know qualify as a ‘jeans and a t-shirt’ kind of guy???  Can you think of any???  I mean, isn’t that so WILD?) and ride a motorcycle all day.  Take a drive up to the North Georgia mountains, and you will see people riding motorcycles for multiple days – middle aged and young and everyone in between.  In this day of pink Harleys, nothing says “wild” like a motorcycle, no ma’am.  But, he just hasn’t made good on his “threat” to buy one, because that would certainly be earth-shattering.

I think what is most troubling about this personality profile, or whatever it is, is that it is meant to be taken seriously by those that would find Mr. Rohr’s sort an appealing party planner for their “upscale” wedding or other “special” event – because the St. Regis is not for just ANY event.  He’s been in a magazine!  He drives a Porsche!  Having a motorcycle is “wild” and different!  Wow.  Seriously?  Come on, people, please, for the love of God, get a damn life.  Get some depth greater than half a thimble.  Find something in your life that is not such a damn contrivance!

But, the best part of this all, I’m saving for the end.  My friend Michelle did a quick bit of Interwebs research, herself, and located THIS.  So, I leave it with you as a parting gift, that Mr. Rohr’s persona as a “I really don’t care that much about this stuff” is all basically a construct, and it only demonstrates that he earnestly does.  What would he be without it?

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OMG, They’re Going to Keep Breeding! February 11, 2009

Posted by rscottgriffin in Uncategorized.
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This post started last week as a general comment on that whack job (I hear that’s a clinical term) in California that had eight babies, but that clusterfrak is now saved for another day.  I was just flipping through the channels and came across the following program, which inspired fear, revulsion, and made me understand the phrase “Holy Terror” for the first time in my life: A Very Duggar Wedding.  If you don’t know who the Duggars are, they are the “fundamentalist” family that has now has 18 children.  Momma Duggar says she’ll stop having children when God stops getting her pregnant.  Now, I learned in 5th grade what makes you pregnant, and, as far as I was taught, God was only directly involved once.  These people are flat out batsh*t crazy because modern life and medicine provide us lots of ways to AVOID IT.  But, no, not these people. Oh, and they home school them…but not in a correspondence-course sort of way in which they have to pass tests that actually prepare them for the world.  No.  Just in the ways of the Bible and scripture and such.  I am all in favor of spirituality, but not at the expense of basic Math and English skills.  Ugh.

Not only have they now had 18 children that they can afford and house comfortably because TLC gave them a TV show, but the oldest one, a boy, is GETTING FREAKING MARRIED!!!  “So, they have managed to brainwash and rope some poor girl into this sh*tshow,” was my first thought.  But, what made my stomach turn was that this woman looks like one of the kid’s sisters.  They all have that stringy/curly “fundamentalist” hair and extremely figure-unflattering clothing – you know what I’m talking about.  I just want to make sure you all have this image.  Their wedding program marching all those kids down the aisle looks more like my kingergarten commencement announcement, which had about 20 kids.  So, basically, now that you have the picture, let’s think about what we can expect from this couple – the epitome of sophistication and intellectual interest in the world?

I doubt it.  Probably another 18-20 kids.  I mean, seriously.  Does the world really need that many people?  Oh, and by the way, they are now talking about no dancing and no booze at the wedding.  OMG!  What the hell is the point, otherwise?!  No one cares about the wedding.  It is a frightening reminder of all those wedding receptions in the fellowship hall of a Southern Baptist church my mother dragged me to as a child.  (Sorry, this is turning into a bit of a “live blog.”)  The mom, describing the bride’s maids dresses, called them “modest.”  We all know that means some horrid tent-like frock made out of fake satin.  I mean, this really can’t get any worse.  ONE woman actually took the time to straighten her hair, and the others are ADDING curls.

So, on to this horrid experiment in social irresponsibility.  Years and years and years ago, even as recently as early last century, people needed lots of kids to do the chores, tend the farms, etc… in the hope that a few of them survived into adulthood.  But, we are in an age where the world is on the brink of over-population.  If I weren’t so incensed, I would do some research to determine the percentage of the world that lives under the poverty line and is malnourished or cannot dig up food from the desolate land they live in.  Our food supply is dangerously tainted, and the U.S.’s role as the world’s bread basket will be coming to a shocking end much sooner than later.  Yet, you have these people, the woman in California that now has 14 kids she can’t support, the Jon and Kate Plus 8 freaks (why do we keep giving these people TV shows?!?!?), all the fundamentalist LDS people out in Texas and Nevada and Utah, and no telling how many others who are only adding to the madness through fertility treatments or NOT KNOWING WHEN TO STOP.

I won’t call these people stupid, but they certainly lack an intellectual capacity to realize what damage they are doing to their children and to the world.  Not a single one of these children is going to be adequately emotionally prepared to live in this world.  If we had not been celebretizing these freak shows, they would all be malnourished and living off state support, much like the 14 kids in California are going to have to be.  That woman doesn’t even  have enough house to fit the six children she already has.

THIS is what President Obama was talking about when he is encouraging personal and social responsibility.  We do not live in a world where we are struggling to survive because there are too few of us.  Quite the opposite, there are too MANY of us, and we are going to choke ourselves if we don’t stop.  It’s time to stop and think and realize that we can’t all be sociopaths, not if we want our species to survive.

Holy shit!!  They have written into their marriage vows a promise to let God determine the timing and number of each child!  Birth control is NOT an abomination, people!!!!  I think my head is going to explode, soon.

Okay, so they’re married, now.  I’m going to dig out some sherbet and Sprite and make some punch to toast them with.  Or maybe I’ll break open the emergency bottle and drink myself into a stupor.

NEW UPDATE – They WAITED to have their first KISS until they got married!!!!  This has to be the most bizarre shit I’ve ever heard!!!

I’m going to need an extra emergency bottle.