My Big Redneck Wedding March 7, 2009Posted by rscottgriffin in Life In Detail.
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Y’all, the Waffle House weding was just the beginning. And, sadly, it does not hold a candle to this hot mess. It’s a real show – on CMT. I cannot possibly make this shit up, and it requires very little setup. So, I’m just going to give a little summary.
The current episode is based in Arkansas (thank God it’s not Alabama, is all I’m thinking), and 6’1″, 300-lb. Tamsen is marrying 5’5″, 105-lb. Kevin. Tamsen’s dream was to be married in her daddy’s chicken house. Classy from the start, and I’m sure there was a wonderful smell for the guests. There were, of course, the traditional pre-wedding projects and preparations, such as painting their names on the roof of the barn. To gather the food for the wedding, which is SQUIRREL!, Kevin and a friend went hunting the week before. Tamsen’s dress was as pretty as it could be, I suppose, but her headpiece was a straw cowboy hat with a veil pinned on the back of it. No, I’m not kidding about that, either. As they said their ‘I dos,’ one of the guests hand-cuffed them together.
They built a BOXING ring for the reception so that Tamsen and Kevin could box each other – who needs a first dance, right? When the time came for said boxing, there seemed to be a car nowhere in the way. But, it had to be moved. An announcement was made, to which no one responded. So, they brought a bulldozer over (Why in the hell would they have a bulldozer in the backyard?!?!) and flipped the car over several times to remove it as an impediment. The boxing, though, was truly comepetitive. Kevin basically began running just fast enough to keep ahead of Tamsen, but she managed to outsmart him by cutting through the middle of the ring. Knowing that, in boxing, the winner has to ‘pin’ his or her opponent, it is probably quite easily imagined what happened next. Yes, she sat on him.
OMG, y’all, they look so cute leaving the wedding in a wrecker!
Finally, they also exchanged wedding gifts – he gave her a “diamond,” some sort of crystal from the Missouri River, and she replaced his recliner that she broke previously in the episode.
I really have to let you all draw your own conclusions on this one. I just…I just can’t think about it any more.
Next up are Gary and Leann from Wisconsin, who are getting married …at a racetrack…because Gary drives race cars. Do I even have to clarify that we’re not talking NASCAR, here?